I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So much rum. So many feels.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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