Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
