Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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