she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
