A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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