12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
