Please don't use social media to get back at me.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
