I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
