U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I need a beard to bite.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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