I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
