Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
