her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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