MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
