they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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