pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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