She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
