My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
