rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize