I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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