just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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