so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
