Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
