a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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