This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
