he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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