and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
