So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
