So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
