We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
