my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
