So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's official drugs can't kill me
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Boobs are out for the taking
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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