We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
