I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
