we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
