Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
