the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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