I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
