Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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