drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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