If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's never too late to be topless.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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