the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
