There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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