I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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