my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
