im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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