First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
zippers are such a cool invention
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
