Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
