I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
