I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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