If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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