why didn't you poke me back
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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