Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
