closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
