It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
