Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
