# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
