First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
