I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
