I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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