dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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