my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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