last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
